Blue Elephants

There are Times...

2006-12-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

There are times when selfishness can feel so righteous, and when the right thing to do seems like giving up. I guess in a way it is. Giving up pride and accepting people as they are is part of who we should be as disciples of Christ. That's what He did. Still, it is sometimes very difficult to look at logic over emotions. Emotions are so hard to control, especially when one is in a mood not to control them...writing about it makes it better sometimes.

How could I forget?

2006-09-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

I have begun what may be a long journey through graduate school, and I have suddenly found myself not being the greatest student ever. I really didn't expect quite so much reading every week. I have found myself only making it through enough of the journal article to answer the question. I can't believe I forgot how time consuming higher education is.

In my undergraduate work, I really did very little beyond studying. I did a few plays here and there, but I spent most of my time in classes, dorm and the library. Now, I work as well. Believe me,. I know I don't have it hard. I'm only working 20 hours a week (typically, although next week I'm getting forty hours and I have a paper due Saturday), and I'm married which adds complications to any individual endeavor(my husband has been wonderful, but I still have to take care of him some), while taking only one graduate course. I'm still amazed at how much I am having to prioritize just to get by...

Well, I really should prioritize myself off this post and go read some of my articles for next week....maybe

My Life as a Librarian

2006-06-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am surrounded by books. It's a wonderful feeling. Well, I am not surrounded as I type, but at my new job I am. New job... strange concept...I've never quit what one would call a real job before and I don't think it's really hit me yet. I probably won't until the fall when I'm the one in school instead of the one teaching it.

I am a librarian now and I get my first chance to do Storytime by myself tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well. Well, it's amazing how little three-year-old care what you're doing or how well you're doing it anyway, as long as you can get them to look at the pictures. It's not quite as tough an audience as high school freshman...

Update

2006-03-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

Well, haven't posted in a while, so here goes...

Life is pretty good right now. I can't truly complain...and I think things are going to get even better. I am thinking about switching careers and going back to school for my masters. (Not in that order.) If figure I should get out of teaching before I completely stop caring. If I do stop caring, I won't be an effective teacher.

That's it. Maybe later I'll have something deep.

Just Feel Like...

2006-01-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

I just felt like typing I guess. I've been thinking of working on my play, again. It's called "The Stairwell," at least that's the working title. There are only two characters at this point and a very simple set. It's sort of a romantic comedy, but I can't seem to make it go anywhere. I have the characters introduced, but somehow they just aren't meshing. I'm trying to figure out why the girl actually starts talking to the guy. He is just a nervous talker, so his motivation is easy. I am actually fairly proud of his big opening monologue. Maybe I'll share it with the world wide web at some point.

Things to Consider

2006-01-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

I think this is going to be a really random post, I've just been feeling the need to create, but I can't think of any stories to write. So mostly I've just been thinking of little things.

At what point is a job really fulfilling? And how fulfilling should it be?I think one minute I'm ready to chuck it all and start over and then a student comes to me with a gift or a thank you or that excited light in the eyes that says "I've finally figured it out!" The last is the best.

And my resolve crumbles...

Also, it is very hard to distinguish sometimes between being nice and being good or "righteous" in the Biblical sense of the term. Sometimes being "nice" is just being cowardly and not facing your brother or sister or yourself with something that is wrong, because it will cause conflict. And conflict is very difficult to deal with. Tough love is one of the hardest kinds for the giver as well as the receiver.
Not that I'm having mental anguish over some specific situation and feel the urge to wax philosophical on my blog, I just know this to be one of the weaknesses of what is sometimes called the phlegmatic personality. My personality. I tend to dislike conflict in most any form. I do think my stint as a high school teacher has considerably helped me to improve that tendency toward discomfiture at the sounds of disruption or protest. This experience will certainly be beneficial when and if I ever become a mother.

That's another consideration altogether. I noticed recently that I am getting closer to the big 3-0. not that the fact is particularly disconcerting, I simply realized I don't have an infinite amount of time any more in which to have children. Don't worry, this has not prompted me to even consider secretly throwing out the contraception, or even to consider having children any sooner. Maybe it's just part of truly becoming an adult through realizing the preciousness of time. People die ro get seriously ill with the diseases that plague our modern society; they may not even have been dear to me, but I am affected because, in a sense, I thought they would live and be healthy forever, or at least as long as I was. Which, of course, was forever.

Time is limited, at least until eternity. Just read Ecclesiates.

Question for the Day

2005-12-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel your life is a sitcom, but somehow all the people surrounding you are living soap operas and you have no idea how you ended up in the same time slot?

Maybe that's just me.

Let It Snow!

2005-12-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

The first snow of the season comes as early as I can ever remember this year. Most snows in Oklahoma don't happen until around February or March. It comes softly, too. With a s accurate a weather prediction as any Oklahoman could possibly hope for. Amazingly, I am still fascinated by it.

I have always loved snow. Maybe it's the way it seems to cover the countryside in a crystalline blanket or the way it crackles and crunches when you step on it. I think mostly it's the phenomenon of watching it fall. All other precipitation comes down so quickly and with so much racket. Rain pelts, Hail pings, not to mention the thunder and lightning alarums that so often accompany them in this area. But the silence that accompanies the falling of snow seems to indicate that the whole world has paused in wonder to admire each individual flake as it floats down, reminder through its uniqueness of the Great Designer and Artist of all things.

Though the day be long, the day is good, because it is covered in an icing of snow.

Fantasy Please

2005-09-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I had some staff development training today that involved using career information in the classroom. We had to take an interest assesment as far as careers are concerned.

Does anyone else think it's sad that I got a zero in the category of jobs called "Realistic?"

"Failure" Should Be Banned

2005-07-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

Check out this news story about a group of London teachers who say the word "fail" should be banned.... We hve gone crazy!

Time Slips Away

2005-07-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

I now have less than a month of left of my life of leisure. I am not yet ready to return to teaching. My summer seems to have dissolved into almost as many commitments as my normal working year. (This is, of course, an illusion set by my disappointed mind hoping for more free time.) Next week, however, we are going on a week long jaunt in Colorado; perhaps that will ease my need for little to no responsibility.

I finished that excellent diary by Sir Alec Guinness today. It was entirely enjoyable, beginning to end. His observations were shrewd and vivid. I think a lot of what I appreciated about the book was that I seemed to find more a kindred spirit than I expected. We had many of the same tastes. It was also interesting to read something from the point of view of someone near the end of life's journey rather than somewhere in the middle as seems to be the common voice among most authors I am exposed to.

Not much worthy of note has happened except that I was able to say "no" to something I was asked to do. The relief was tremendous. I seem to have a difficult time with that word.

Memories from a Hero

2005-07-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today, as I often do when I go out and have free time, I found myself in a bookstore. I think my small car powerless to resist the sheer magnetism of the sign reading "Giant Book Sale Up to 80% Off!" I couldn't help myself. What can I say; it's a healthier vice than smoking. I wandered into the biography section, which I rarely do. I have discovered that most of the people I thought I wanted to read about greatly disappoint me in their real lives and I prefer to live in blissful ignorance of what they do in their personal time. Somehow today I found myself there, as I have said, practically by mistake. A book did however catch my eye. My Name Escapes Me: The Diary of a Retiring Actor by Sir Alec Guiness. It is an actual diary he kept from January 1995-June 1996. The man was in my opinion (don't take my word for it, there are loads of other people who think so,too) a genius. I bought the book and have been absorbed ever since I got home.

I had no idea what to expect from this great actor of whom I had heard little baring his extreme politeness and professionalism. As I mentioned, I am normally disappointed to read about people, especially actors, in their daily lives because they are in such stark contrast to the face they portray on screen or sometimes even to the public. The voice I see in this book only endears me to the man I grew up seeing as the great Jedi wizard, Obiwan Kenobi. It is sad perhaps, that my generation knows him only by this character. Apparently, however, some of Guiness showed through in the wisdom and quiet sophistication of that character. His writing is a joy to read and shows an appreciation for daily tasks. His devotion to his wife and his unique voice are refreshing to this young writer and actress who could never hope to achieve his height in this world. If you enjoy Shakespeare and simplicity, then I would highly recommend this book, so far. I haven't finished it yet, but I'll keep you posted.

I'll leave you with this quote in which he speaks of a friend he lost to cancer:

"More than anything else he taught me to trust Divine Providence and chuck away all notions of luck. Well, I go along with that these days; but I don't think Providence is in the least interested in my relationship with the National Lottery." (p.7)

Studies Are Finally Catching up

2005-07-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

I found this article very interesting; it links watching more television with low achievement test scores. Could the fact that these kids had televisions in their bedrooms be signs of parents seeking something else to "look after" their kids?

FREEDOM!!

2005-05-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

Wow! I am through with students for the summer. Hooray for last day of school! Maybe I'll find the time to do some serious writing (or not so serious writing) this year. I can only hope and we will see what tomorrow and the rest of the week brings.

:)

Stage Combat and British Accents

2005-04-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a really long time, but I guess life has been busy. I am in the middle (or at the end) of a play. I am directing Oedipus Rex with a cast of sixteen high schoolers. It has actually been a lot of fun and rehearsals are actually going better than I expected. People were actually mostly "off book" on Friday when they were supposed to be. I've never had a cast do that well on their first "off book" day. The main problem that seems to occur in most high school shows and continues to occur in this one is character breaking. They cannot keep a straight face when they mess up! It's as though they want to bring more attention to themselves by showing how they know they made a mistake.

Not that my play has anything at all to do with my title. I just started typing. I'm teaching stage combat to my freshman class and British accents to my sophomore class. It's just what's been on my mind. I will admit this week reminds a bit of a "children's" book I own called Testing Miss Malarkey. It's End of Instruction testing week. All of the teachers will be suffering through giving tests to make sure we are teaching all the stuff the state tells us to so we can get all our funding or whatever it is. I don't even know anymore. But the mornings will be easy. It's not the testing I worry about, it's the behavior afterwards. The students have been made to sit for three hours and then they are released into the wilds of the school again.

THE RING

2005-03-24T18:21:00.000-08:00

The, uh, bathtub ring, that is. You were expecting the movie? Well, believe me, this may be even scarier. My husband and I have recently discovered one of the great joys of home ownership: having to fix your own plumbing! Oh yes, and pay for it!

You can imagine the thrilling sensation when I did a load of laundry and the water drained...right into the bathtub. Not to get into too much detail, but the upstairs bathroom discovered the same easy route. Obviously, there must be a clog, we thought sagely. After three bottles of Drano, four Liquid Plumr foaming pipe snakes, a plunger and some scary sulphuric acid stuff from the hardware store called "Liquid Fire," we decided, not to call the plumber, but to borrow a pipe snake (the machine) from a friend at church. After using that for an hour, we seemed to make significant progress, however the tub refused point blank to drain.

"Perhaps we should call the plumber," we thought after toiling over the myriad of viable options we had left. Well, we did. He thought it was a clog, too, and would take about an hour to repair. Oh, well, it would be better than showering with flip-flops on as though we were at camp.

Two days later, the plumbing guy had replaced the collapsed pipe just under our house, replaced our tub drain and the pipes underneath it and the sink and had dug a new clean out for us. So much for the simple one hour job.

At least the shower works now.

I Thought Women Were SUPPOSED To Have Boobs

2005-03-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Women's fashion trends in our society have obviously taken a step over the edge again. While at the great establishment of Wal-Mart yesterday, I saw a new edition of one of those "stars gossip" magazines on the rack, the headline shocked me. While this is nothing new, I took personal offense to the image the cover of this magazine proliferates. It said something like "From Fat to Fab..." with a split cover showing before and after pictures of J. Lo and Jessica Simpson. My stunned thought was "I didn't know they were fat."

I examined the pictures more closely. The larger picture of the "fab" Jessica showed a bleached blonde, super-tan woman with pencil thin arms and a draping tank top covering an ironing board chest. The "fat" Jessica was the bleached blonde, super-tan diva in a tight white leather suit showing pleasant curves and washboard abs. "What's wrong with the first picture???" I asked myself. "She looks healthy and athletic and attractive. Why must she lose weight? So she can look more like a man?"

I happen to be a full-figured individual. I am offended by this fashion that seems to tell me I must be less feminine

No Teacher Left Behind

2005-03-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you guys have all heard of No Child Left Behind. What I am more concerned with is teachers being left behind. Okay, not so much teachers, as much as me. I was just reading a little newsletter from my alma mater. This particular newsletter has interesting little tidbits about the graduates that were in the English Department with me. One of my favorite people from those wonderful upper level classes is working toward her doctorate at Florida State. Another couple is also doing graduate work (the husband had already completed all the work for his doctorate), and they have both published papers on subjects I'm not even sure I understand. Another really good friend is teaching in China for one more year before he starts his master's work.

I'm happy for all of them, but...It kind of makes me glad I didn't send in a little note about myself for the department to publish. "She is currently living in 'Podunk,' Oklahoma with her husband of three years and teaches an elective course in suburbia public schools. She applied to grad school once." Wow, wouldn't that look great next to Virginia Woolf, Mr. and Mrs. William Shakespeare and Ernest Hemingway.

I think I'll post this so my two readers won't completely gag themselves on my recipe for "pity soup."

The Incredible Bipolar Teacher

2005-03-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

One of my colleagues is completing her packet for national teacher certification this month. She has to crunch all sorts of numbers having to do with ethnicity, student improvement and so on with the terrible teacher jargon. These are my own findings from the classroom:

I discovered something very strange. I have multiple personalities...and it has nothing to do with a mental disorder. When I arrive at school at 7:00-7:15AM, I am a very cheerful person, ready for the day (usually) with a smile for all. My first hour, at 8:00Am, is filled with twenty-nine freshman and one sophomore. They are also easy to get along with (most of them are half-asleep, of course,) and at least half of them are cheerful most mornings. I have rarely had to discipline anyone in this class.

Because my planning period is at 9AM, my next class in "3rd hour" at 10:00AM. I am looking forward to the latest challenge. The students start arriving about 10:05, because this is my class of juniors and seniors and they have to walk from the high school everyday. This class has, I believe, 17 students. These are the faithful drama groupies who have been in the department longer than I have. They are staunch and supportive even when I barely know what I'm doing. The only time I ever discipline them is when they are scolding one another too sharply, they are never disrespectful to me.

At 11:00AM, my sophomore class enters. This is my local fan club. They are only eight strong, due to massive casualties in the war with driver's education, but they hope to get some of their numbers back next semester. I am practically a pushover unless we have a deadline to reach.

12:00PM - Lunch: The calm before the storm. It is a peaceful few minutes while most of my students, and I emphasize most, are elsewhere.

At 12:30PM, my hair twists itself into a tight bun, my fingers elongate into claws, my eyes glow red and steam pours from my ears. WELCOME, HARPY WOMAN! I spend the next class period screaming at the top of my lungs, handing out disciplinary reports for things like being out of your seat without permission (my new policy). And yet somehow, I'm not scary enough, because Harpy Woman must appear every day at this exact time almost without fail. Thirty- four students fill my classroom. Many of them seem to love to see Harpy Woman in all her radiant glory, for they don't seem to want to enjoy the peace and harmony that would ensue if they actually listened! My scary alter ego seems to be the only thing to placate them.

At 1:30PM, things are much better, my head still reels from the sudden transformation and though the steam has disappeared, my eyes and claws are still in place. I am losing some of the motivation or energy to swoop down and beat those who violate the seat moving rule. Most of the rule violators are more subtle in their ways, too. Merely having attitude problems rather than outright disobedience. While screeching is still in place, reports find their way out of my desk less often.

what do all these startling statistics mean? I'll leave that to the psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, psychics, psychopaths and all the rest to figure out. For now, harpy woman is running out of steam and needs to sign off.

Wow! Is Twenty-Six Old?

2005-02-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and I have this strange feeling that that means very little any more. I think this is partially because I give very little thought to how to celebrate my birth and also I feel that the proverbial "milestones" don't come in years anymore. I seem to judge my life either in moments or decades now. A single year from one turning to the next is hardly consequential.

Now, I will not say that I don't enjoy being fawned over, because I do. And I still believe that there are some things that should be celebrated every year, like wedding anniversaries, baptisms, and things like that. More important things in adult life than birthdays. Does it really matter whether I'm twenty-five, twenty-six, or eighty? As long as I'm doing what God wants, I don't guess it does.

Time? What do you do with it?

2005-02-07T08:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, I'm not sure what to do with myself this week. My Monday evening "Fishers of Men" class is cancelled, therefore I have no homework. There are no plays in my future for at least a month. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this extra time. Maybe I can remember how to breathe...

Stay tuned.

If I were Invisible

2005-02-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel like nothing I say ever gets through to people. I am aware that is because I am an attention seeking narcissist, but it still hurts to feel ignored. I just can't be subtle when I need attention either, I seem to feel the need to shout it at the top of my proverbial voice. I have complained so loudly today. Now, granted, I feel as though I have rocks in my throat and that Niagra is trying to move its way into my sinuses, but I still should be more grateful for everything I have. I guess I just need to preach a sermon to myself here.

Philippians 2:14-16a

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you will shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life...

Philippians 2:3-5

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. your attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus...

Well, those are my deep thoughts for the evening. I think that's enough for now.

Why Blue Elephants?

2005-02-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

This answer to this question is fairly easily answered. I could tell you that there's some deep psychological or philosophical meaning behind it. I am a teacher, after all, and we love giving deep and timeless meaning to things you will never again use in your life. It's really because all of the deep philophical titles (like brummagem review, view from the fence and rants, irreverence and other fine ideas) and literary alluding addresses were already taken so I decided to be as random as possible.

This fits because I not only teach; I teach drama.

I also own two blue elephants. Stuffed ones. One is on my computer, a gift for stage managing Steel Magnolias and the other is in my car.

I really never thought I would start a blog. My dear husband started his and my creative abilities (or lack thereof) just couldn't take it. This may be less of a diary and more of a notebook for story ideas. Since no one will be reading it anyway, we'll just have to see what it becomes.